It can be very difficult to watch our loved ones and others we really care about struggle with their health in this way. POTS can take quite a toll on individuals in our community, both physically and emotionally, as can some of the other more common co-occurring conditions. The journey can be quite painful at times, especially when individuals in our community are not able to access the support and guidance they need. Although there have been many improvements made, the medical community is still lacking a significant amount of awareness specific to these conditions, which can lead to even more medical trauma, medical gaslighting, pain, diagnostic delays, and isolation. Suicidal ideation is more common in our community, especially as many in our community navigate added isolation from continued COVID precautions. Thank you for taking the time to learn more about what you can do to help, as any concerns specific to suicidal ideation or crisis should be taken very seriously.

Where Do I Start?

One of the first ways you can help is by believing your loved one, not questioning their experience, their concerns, their symptoms, or what they navigate daily. The significant amount of dismissal individuals in our community experience has contributed to a great deal of added pain and trauma. There is no room for dismissal and individuals in our community will benefit most from having individuals in their lives who can offer support, encouragement, and love. Showing you care, are in their corner, and will support them unconditionally, is extremely helpful. It is also important for you to not question any concerns about crisis or suicidal ideation. Comments like “I don’t want to live anymore,” “I can’t do this anymore,” “I can’t handle this pain anymore,” or “I’m a burden” should be taken very seriously, but those are just some examples. Ultimately, it is essential for loved ones who you are concerned about to see a mental health professional in addition to receiving support from you and others around them. As much as you may want to help, and as loving and supportive as you may be, mental health professionals are absolutely essential as well. We honestly believe that everyone in our community, at the very least, may benefit from regularly seeing a therapist. This is just our personal opinion, but we feel that added support is really important given what so many in our community experience. Many loved ones of those navigating chronic illness see therapists as well so that they get more support themselves, and also know how to better support their loved one with chronic illness.

This being said, when our loved ones are in crisis or are experiencing suicidal ideation, we can’t wait to reach out to a therapist or see a therapist in a few weeks, as action needs to be taken immediately. This can include reaching out to a suicide help line, crisis line, and/or potentially going to an emergency department for care. If your loved one is in crisis, please take it extremely seriously. Crisis refers to an emotional state they are in that requires immediate care, where they are experiencing significant emotional distress and pain. Please take what they say seriously.

Can I Ask Them If They Are Suicidal?

Yes. Sometimes individuals who are suicidal may feel shame specific to their thoughts or other difficult emotions, and may not be willing to share, but it can still be important to ask. If they say they are not but still exhibit a number of the warning signs and/or you are concerned, please still make sure to reach out to the necessary crisis resources. An inaccurate belief is that asking our loved ones if they are suicidal will cause them to think about it more and become suicidal, but this is not true.

If you do decide to ask, you can say things such as:

“I have noticed you have been struggling more recently, are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?”

“Have you been having suicidal thoughts?” If they say yes, you can ask them if they have a plan to hurt themselves. Please ensure you get them to safety as soon as possible and reach out to the necessary crisis resources, some of which are listed Here.

“I have noticed some things that I am worried about, you seem to be struggling more. Are you safe?” Even if they say yes, you can ask them if they have a plan to hurt themselves. Please ensure you get them to safety as soon as possible and reach out to the necessary crisis resources, some of which are listed Here.

“I really care about you and am concerned. Have you been having thoughts about hurting yourself?” If they say yes, you can ask them if they have a plan to hurt themselves. Please ensure you get them to safety as soon as possible and reach out to the necessary crisis resources, some of which are listed Here.

What Are Some Resources I Can Share With Them?

We have a list of crisis resources which can be accessed through our Suicidal Ideation page. If they are not in crisis but have been struggling with their mental health, here are some other resources that could be beneficial in addition to ensuring they see a mental health professional as soon as possible:

https://self-care-club.tumblr.com/

https://www.mysafetyplan.org/

https://findyourwords.org/

https://nowmattersnow.org/skills

https://afsp.org/suicide-prevention-resources

How Can I Get Them The Help They Need?

If they have a mental health professional they are working with it is important to ensure they are communicating with them and keeping them updated with any changes in their mental health. If they do not currently see a mental health professional, it is important to ensure they see someone as soon as possible. Reaching out to their primary care provider may be an important first step to see if they have any recommendations or can expedite any care. Primary care providers can also help and should be aware of mental health concerns, as should other specialists. Make sure you are reaching out to providers you trust. We will say that when someone is suicidal or struggling with their mental health in this way, it can be very challenging for them to make a self-care plan and reach out to needed resources. It could be helpful for you to: offer to call the crisis line with them, offer to call their physician or therapist, and/or offer to reach out to anyone else that may need to be contacted.

What Are Some Supportive Things I Can Say?

Here are some phrases that may be helpful depending on the situation:

• “I love you and am so proud of you.”

• “I’m in your corner.”

• “You are not alone.”

• “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now.”

• “You are deserving and worthy of love and support.”

• “Please let me know what you need, even if it is just someone to listen or sit with you.”

• “I may not be able to fully understand, but I will do whatever I can to support you through this really difficult moment.”

• “I can hear that this is very painful for you right now. I am not going anywhere and am here when you are ready to talk. Is it ok if I sit next to you and wait until you are ready?”

• “I’m here to talk when you are ready.”

• “I’m not going anywhere, I love you.”

• “I believe in you.”

• “Tomorrow is a new day, this difficult moment doesn’t define us.”

• “You are not your illness and you are not defined by your illness.”

• “You are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.”

• “Your worth is not dependent on what you can do physically.”

• “Your worth is not defined by your productivity.”

• “What has helped you the most before when feeling this way; are there things we can do together that you would enjoy?”

• “I’m here to listen or talk, whatever it is that you need right now.”

• “I can’t imagine you doing a more incredible job navigating everything that has been thrown at you. You inspire me every single day.”

• “How can I help you feel supported right now?”

What Are Some Things I Should Avoid Saying?

Please, please, do NOT say:

• “You are just saying this for attention, you don’t mean it.”

• “It really isn’t that bad, I don’t know why you are so upset.”

• “If you were more positive about everything it would be better.”

• “You really just need to go outside, that will help you.”

• “You really should just be grateful it isn’t worse.”

• “At least you don’t look sick.”

• “Have you tried…?”

• “You wouldn’t feel this way if you relaxed more.”

• “Why aren’t you…?”

• “You don’t actually mean anything you are saying right now.”

• “It is selfish for you to say that and not consider me.”

• “Just brush it off, it isn’t that bad.”

• “Why are you still so upset? You need to get over it already.”

• “This is just something you have to live with, stop complaining.”